Making a Meth of Things
Setting: The inside of an RV, nighttime.
At rise: Two men in their mid-twenties enter, wearing plastic aprons over their clothes (jeans and t-shirts) and each carrying a large box. They are JOHN, blond and skinny, and GEORGE, who has brown hair and glasses. They set the boxes down gently.
JOHN
This is a sweet RV!
GEORGE
I know, it’s perfect, isn’t it? We’re well on our way to becoming meth kingpins.
JOHN
We’re gonna be so rich!
GEORGE
Well, I’ll be a little richer than you. It’s only fair that I get a bigger cut since I’m in charge.
JOHN
Why do you get to be in charge?
GEORGE
You’re blond and shorter than me, so you’re “The Jesse.” I have glasses, so I get to be “The Walt.” We want this to be realistic, don’t we?
JOHN
You’re not a chemistry teacher.
GEORGE
I could be.
JOHN
Did you even take chemistry?
GEORGE
I showed up once or twice. Why don’t we start setting up?
(John removes two beakers from a box and places them next to the stove.)
JOHN
Yeah, bitch, beakers!
GEORGE
You’re a quick learner, my young protégé.
JOHN
We’re the same age.
GEORGE
I’m a month older…and a month wiser. Did you get the pseudo?
JOHN
Yep.
(John pulls a pack of generic pseudoephedrine out of his pocket.)
GEORGE
Just one box?
JOHN
That’s all they’ll let you buy. I got the forty-eight pack though.
GEORGE
You didn’t even get the name brand stuff?
JOHN
Generic is cheaper…I ain’t made of money, bitch.
GEORGE
How are we going to make it blue?
(John pulls a few small packets of blue drink mix out of his other pocket.)
JOHN
Here’s how.
GEORGE
Drink mix?
JOHN
It’ll turn the meth blue, won’t it? Plus it’ll make it taste good, yo.
GEORGE
It doesn’t need to taste good…it just needs to be blue and get people high.
JOHN
But if it tastes good, they’ll be willing to pay more. Maybe people will want it in their food, and we’ll be responsible for a whole new way of meth-taking!
GEORGE
You might be on to something…
JOHN
We could sell meth cookies, meth brownies, banana meth bread-
GEORGE
(interrupting)
That actually sounds really good.
JOHN
Easy too…you just substitute meth for nuts.
GEORGE
Good old chemistry…
JOHN
I don’t think baking bread counts as chemistry.
GEORGE
I don’t know, “baking bread” sounds an awful lot like “Breaking Bad.”
JOHN
Still doesn’t make it chemistry.
GEORGE
We’ll agree to disagree.
JOHN
Okay.
GEORGE
Why don’t you put the flasks on the stove, so we can get started?
(John removes two large cooking flasks from a box as George takes off his pants, revealing a pair of tighty-whiteys.)
JOHN
Please put those back on.
GEORGE
If I don’t take my pants off, it won’t turn out right. You don’t want subpar meth, do you?
JOHN
(putting the flasks on the stove)
I don’t see what your pants have to do with that.
GEORGE
Well, then you need to watch the pilot again. If we’re going to turn this little operation into an empire, we have to do it exactly like that.
JOHN
If that’s the case, shouldn’t you take your shirt off too?
GEORGE
No. My third nipple is shy.
JOHN
You should never take your shirt off…not even in the shower.
GEORGE
Rude. Take the meth juice out of the box and pour it into one of the flasks.
(John retrieves a gallon jug of clear liquid out of the box and pours some of it into a flask.)
GEORGE (cont’d)
Turn the stove on high.
JOHN
Won’t that burn it?
GEORGE
I don’t know, but we don’t have all night, so do it.
JOHN
Bossy. Why do I have to do everything?
GEORGE
You won’t. Just get it started while I talk about the wonders of chemistry.
JOHN
Good luck with that.
GEORGE
Now turn the stove on.
JOHN
Maybe we should cook it at a lower temperature. I spent five bucks on the pseudo, and I can’t buy any more for a month, so we don’t want to waste it.
GEORGE
It’s okay. We’re going to switch to methylamine pretty soon.
JOHN
Where are we supposed to get that?
GEORGE
We’ll probably have to steal it from a lab or something.
JOHN
No way, bitch…I’m not doing that.
GEORGE
Yes, you will.
(George pulls a black pork pie hat out of a box and puts it on his head.)
GEORGE (cont’d)
You don’t want to cross me. Bad things happen to people who cross me.
JOHN
You’re acting really Heisenbergy right now, and it’s freaking me out.
GEORGE
I’m not acting. I…am…Heisenberg.
(George laughs evilly.)
JOHN
You are taking this way too seriously.
GEORGE
You’re not taking it seriously enough. Do you want to be part of my empire or not?
JOHN
I thought it was going to be our empire.
GEORGE
I am the master, and you are the student. You’d be wise not to forget that.
JOHN
I can’t tell when you’re being serious. You’re kind of scary right now, but you’re also not wearing any pants.
GEORGE
Fine, I’ll put them back on if it makes me more sinister.
(John throws the pants to George.)
JOHN
Pants, bitch!
(George puts his pants on.)
JOHN (cont’d)
Now we can have a conversation.
GEORGE
Where was I?
JOHN
I think you were threatening me.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah. Know this: if you ever cross me, you will be in for a world of pain.
JOHN
Okay, I get it-don’t cross you.
GEORGE
I’ll let your girlfriend choke on her own vomit.
JOHN
If someone’s going to choke on vomit, I would hope it would be their own…and I don’t have a girlfriend.
GEORGE
I’m talking about your future girlfriend.
JOHN
You can tell the future? Is she hot? What kind of bra size are we talking about?
GEORGE
That’s not important. What’s important is that she’s going to die.
JOHN
I liked you better before you were a future drug kingpin.
GEORGE
The mild-mannered chemistry teacher I used to be is dead.
JOHN
You were never a chemistry teacher…you deliver pizzas for a living.
GEORGE
Play along.
JOHN
Hey, what about meth pizza? Light bulb, bitch!
GEORGE
I don’t know…
JOHN
I could really go for a metharoni pizza right about now.
GEORGE
This is no time for jokes, son. If you don’t start taking this more seriously, I’m going to replace you with a dead-eyed sociopath who looks like a young Matt Damon.
JOHN
I don’t know where you’re gonna find someone like that.
GEORGE
I’ll just get the guy from the show.
JOHN
He’s an actor. He doesn’t actually cook meth.
GEORGE
You don’t know that.
JOHN
Yeah, I do. That’s why it’s called “acting.”
GEORGE
Then I’ll teach him.
JOHN
He probably has other things to do.
GEORGE
Oh, ye of little faith.
JOHN
Don’t quote The Bible at me, bitch.
GEORGE
Don’t tell me what to do. I tell you what to do.
JOHN
If you’re going to be a dick, maybe I’ll just start a meth empire of my own.
GEORGE
You don’t have the brains.
JOHN
Weren’t you old enough to buy alcohol when you finally finished high school?
GEORGE
So?
JOHN
I graduated on time, so I think my brains work a little better than yours.
GEORGE
Well, I’m street-smart, and that’s more important.
JOHN
(skeptically)
Are you though?
GEORGE
I’m life-smart.
JOHN
That’s not a thing.
GEORGE
It is if I say so.
JOHN
Whatever, Heisenturd.
GEORGE
That was clever, I’ll give you that…but it’s time for you to stop disrespecting me and start cooking. You do want to be obscenely rich, don’t you?
JOHN
Of course I do.
GEORGE
Then get to cookin.’
JOHN
Fine.
GEORGE
Go put the pseudo in the meth juice.
JOHN
The fact that you keep calling it “meth juice” is proof that you aren’t very smart. It’s solvent, bitch!
GEORGE
That doesn’t prove anything.
(John removes a pseudoephedrine tablet from the foil packet and drops it in the solvent.)
JOHN
What now?
GEORGE
Now we wait.
(George and John stare at the solvent.)
JOHN
It’s not doing anything.
GEORGE
Throw a few more in there.
(John removes a few more tablets from the packet and drops them in the solvent.)
JOHN
How long is this going to take? I’ve got shit to do.
GEORGE
At midnight? What?
JOHN
Sleep, yo.
GEORGE
After we get rich, you can sleep whenever you want. Right now we need to make some blue stuff.
JOHN
Coming right up.
(John opens a packet of drink mix and dumps it into the solvent. His back is to the audience, blocking the view of the flask.)
JOHN (cont’d)
Uh, George?
GEORGE
Heisenberg.
JOHN
Everything’s purple now.
GEORGE
Unacceptable! That’s a womanly color, and we’ll be the laughingstock of the meth community if we try to sell it.
JOHN
We could market it to women. Meth…for her.
GEORGE
I don’t think that’s the best way to become a ruthless drug kingpin.
JOHN
You never know.
GEORGE
Fix it.
JOHN
How? You’re the
(making quotation marks with his fingers)
“chemistry teacher,” not me.
GEORGE
Well, you better figure it out, or I might have to poison a certain little boy you’re very fond of.
JOHN
Good luck finding one of those. I literally do not know even one child.
GEORGE
That’s so sad. I really love my kids.
JOHN
Of course. Your nonexistent children are perfect angels.
GEORGE
They’re the reason I’m doing this. I need to be able to leave them millions when this awful disease finally takes me.
(exaggerated coughing)
JOHN
The lengths you’ll go to for your invisible children…
GEORGE
If getting cancer has taught me anything, it’s that nothing is more important than family.
JOHN
Didn’t you steal money from your mom so you could buy pot?
GEORGE
George did that. I’m Heisenberg…a stone-cold drug lord who loves his family.
JOHN
George did that a bunch of times…because George is kind of a dick.
GEORGE
Hey!
JOHN
Why do you care? You’re not George, remember?
GEORGE
Touché, my young friend.
JOHN
Can you just be George again? I don’t think you’re ready to act like a seasoned meth kingpin.
GEORGE
You know I don’t listen to you when you’re the voice of reason. Remember the magnet incident?
JOHN
That wasn’t me.
GEORGE
I’m pretty sure it was…
JOHN
That was on TV.
GEORGE
This was more fun when you were playing along.
JOHN
I thought we were just going to cook some blue meth…I didn’t know you were going to go all “Heisenberg” on me.
GEORGE
This is who I am now.
JOHN
Not without that hat.
(John snatches the hat off of George’s head and puts it on.)
GEORGE
You can’t wear that…I’m the Walt!
JOHN
It’s mine now, bitch!
GEORGE
But I’m powerless without it!
JOHN
It’s just a hat.
GEORGE
It is not just a hat. It’s a really cool hat.
(There is a pounding on the door.)
GEORGE (cont’d)
Who could that be? Everyone knows that I’m the one who knocks.
(John rolls his eyes.)
DEA AGENT (O.S.)
(yelling)
DEA, open up!
JOHN
Wow, you really went all out, didn’t you?
GEORGE
I don’t know anything about this.
JOHN
Yeah, like the DEA just randomly found us the first time we decided to cook meth.
GEORGE
That’s exactly what happened!
JOHN
Let me guess…the DEA agent is your brother-in-law, and he’s super into minerals.
(John opens the door to reveal a DEA AGENT, bald and wearing an orange shirt, khaki pants, and a bulletproof vest.)
JOHN (cont’d)
He’s even bald and wearing orange…you totally set this up!
GEORGE
No, it’s just a coincidence!
(The DEA Agent enters the RV.)
DEA AGENT
What do you boys think you’re doing?
GEORGE
Nothing, sir. We were just leaving.
DEA AGENT
You were going to cook meth, weren’t you? I see it all the time…at this point, we just assume that every RV is a meth lab.
GEORGE
Please don’t arrest us. I wouldn’t last an hour in jail.
DEA AGENT
Don’t worry, you probably won’t get raped. Put your hands behind your back.
(George puts his hands behind his back, and the DEA Agent puts handcuffs on him.)
DEA AGENT (cont’d)
(to John)
Your turn.
JOHN
Wait, this is for real? How did you find us? We’ve only been here for ten minutes.
DEA AGENT
This is the only RV dealership in town, so we like to keep an eye on it. You’re not the first idiots who thought it was a good idea to break into an RV and start cooking meth.
JOHN
RVs are expensive, yo.
DEA AGENT
I know, it’s hard being a meth dealer.
(The DEA Agent handcuffs John.)
JOHN
This was all George’s idea.
GEORGE
John bought the pseudo!
JOHN
That’s not illegal, bitch…maybe I have sinus problems!
GEORGE
(to the DEA Agent)
He doesn’t.
(The DEA Agent looks at the stove.)
DEA AGENT
Why is it purple?
JOHN
Pseudo plus blue food coloring makes purple…apparently.
DEA AGENT
Yeah, red plus blue equals purple…basic kindergarten knowledge.
JOHN
I can’t remember everything I’ve ever learned.
DEA AGENT
You guys might be the worst meth cooks I’ve ever seen.
JOHN
It’s our first time.
DEA AGENT
Clearly.
GEORGE
And our last time.
(The DEA Agent begins leading George and John toward the exit.)
JOHN
Not so badass now that the DEA showed up, are you, George?
GEORGE
I don’t have the hat.
DEA AGENT
You guys are pathetic. I guess you could say that you really made a “meth” of things.
(The DEA Agent laughs as George and John groan. They exit as the lights fade to black.)
Copyright ©2013
By Crystal Smith-Connelly