AT RISE: GOD is standing behind a podium, accepting the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. He is wearing glasses and reading his speech from a sheet of paper.
Wow, this is such an honor! I’ve achieved many great things since the beginning of time, but I never thought I’d win a Pulitzer…however, I do have to say that it’s about time! The Bible has been one of the most popular works of fiction in the world for years, and I’m grateful that I am finally being honored not only as creator of the universe, but also as an award-winning author. The Bible has been accepted as truth since it was first published, but it was never meant to be taken seriously. It’s my fault, really…as a joke I told some guy that he’d go to Hell if he didn’t believe it, and then things just got out of hand! But luckily, after a few hundred years, I was able to clear things up and now people know the truth. I’d like to point out that I wrote the whole book myself…Moses and those other guys had nothing to do with it. I made them up-they’re just characters in my book. They don’t exist, so I really wish that people would stop giving them credit for my work. I can’t believe that so many people over the years thought that the things I wrote about actually happened-most of it was pretty…well, unbelievable! I mean, did you really think that I created the entire universe in less than a week?! Haven’t you people ever heard of evolution? And what about the whole “immaculate conception” thing and Jesus rising from the dead? You people have been watching way too many zombie movies if you didn’t question that one! Honestly, I thought that all the people I created would be a little smarter…I guess I’ll have to work on that next time around.
(“There’s No Business Like Show Business” starts playing loudly to let God know that his time is up.)
Hey, turn the music off! I’m not done yet! I know there’s a time limit, but come on, I’m God!
(pausing as the music continues)
Well, it looks like somebody wants to go to Hell!
Okay, I guess I should wrap this up. I’d like to thank everyone who made this possible-my family, my friends, my agent, my publicist…I hope I’m not forgetting anyone.
Well, there’s one person who everyone thanks at these things and he is pretty important, so…last but not least, I’d like to thank myself for giving me the ability to write the greatest book of all time and for never letting me give up. I never could’ve done it without me. I’d like to thank the Pulitzer Prize committee for giving me this award, and hopefully I’ll win another one next year when the sequel comes out!
Well, I better win…you wouldn’t want that “Great Flood” that I wrote about to actually happen, would you?
(The audience applauds as the lights fade to black.)
By Crystal Smith-Connelly