My first book, For I Am Zeus: A Collection of Plays About Greek Mythology, is on sale for the next week...use the code GY62U to get it for 99¢!
I'm doing a Kindle Countdown Deal for Goat Herpes and Other Problems, so it will be on sale for 99 cents on June 29th and 30th, then $1.99 on July 1st and 2nd. Here's the link:
And here's the description:
It's Willow's first day on the job at Godly Acres, the world's premier rehabilitation facility for gods and goddesses, and she might be in over her head. Sex addiction, alcoholism, eating disorders, goat herpes...you name it, there's a Greek god who has it. Will she be able to help these gods and goddesses work through their issues? Find out in Goat Herpes and Other Problems! (Goat Herpes and Other Problems contains the plays "Godly Acres," "Godly Acres: Bitch Session," and "Playing Doctor.")
If you get it, I hope you like it...it's the best book you'll ever read that has "goat herpes" in the title. ; )
Occupation: Sex god
Favorite color: Doesn’t matter…I’ll rock your world no matter what color you are.
Favorite book: The Kama Sutra
Favorite movie: I don't remember the title, but there was a lot of full-frontal nudity...and a goat.
Favorite TV show: Masters of Sex…it’s based on my life.
Favorite band: Barenaked Ladies
Favorite song: “Let’s Get It On”
Favorite animal: Trouser snake
If you weren’t in your current profession, what would you be? Porn star
Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life? George Clooney…the resemblance is uncanny.
What would the title of that movie be? The Panty Remover
Hobbies: Avoiding Hera, disguising myself, orgies
Motto: “You cannot resist me…for I am Zeus!”
Acting Out INK Fest tickets are now on sale! If you want to see my play, your options are to buy an all-day pass for Friday or Saturday (April 25th or 26th) or to get tickets at the door for the block of plays that starts at 3:30 on Friday or 4:30 on Saturday. There are also weekend passes if you want to see a bunch of plays. Come watch me unleash Zeus on L.A.! ; )
Here's an excerpt from Goat Herpes and Other Problems, my next book...it should be out early next year. : )
Setting: Godly Acres, the world’s premier rehabilitation center for gods and goddesses.
At rise: Six chairs are arranged in a circle. DIONYSUS, god of wine, HERMES, god of wealth, ARES, god of war, CRONUS, former ruler of the universe, and ZEUS, who has nasty red sores all over his face and is current ruler of the universe, are dressed in togas and sandals (except for Ares, who is dressed in battle armor), waiting for group therapy to begin.
I can’t believe Mom is making us do this…it’s really cutting into my getting laid time.
You could’ve stood up to her and said no.
Yeah, but when she gives me the whole “if it weren’t for me, your father would’ve eaten you” guilt trip, it’s hard to say no to her.
(WILLOW, a bubbly twenty-something, enters holding a notebook and a pen.)
Hello, everybody! How are we today?
I’m great…why don’t we get out of here and go somewhere a little more private?
I don’t think that would be a good idea.
Of course it would. Come on…I’ll let you buy me a drink.
You’re being inappropriate.
It’s what I do.
(taking a seat)
Let’s get started, shall we? Why don’t we go around the circle and introduce ourselves? I’m Willow.
You’re all supposed to say “Hi, Willow” now.
DIONYSUS, HERMES, ARES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
Hi! I’m new to Godly Acres, and this will be my first time leading group therapy. I’m twenty-six years old, have two sisters-
And I enjoy scrapbooking and knitting sweaters for my cats.
(pointing to Dionysus)
I’m Dionysus, and I’m an alcoholic.
WILLOW, HERMES, ARES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
When did you first realize you were an alcoholic?
Pretty recently. I’ve always enjoyed alcohol-I’m the god of wine, I don’t really have much of a choice-but I was mostly a social drinker. Somewhere along the line, it stopped being about fun, and it got to the point where I had to have it every day. Everyone around me wants to party all the time, so it’s pretty hard for me to avoid alcohol. After a particularly wild party resulted in me getting a tattoo of Pegasus on my lower back, I thought it would be a good idea to try to quit drinking.
Thanks for sharing, Dionysus. I’m glad you decided to join us.
(pointing to Hermes)
Would you like to go next?
Sure. I’m Hermes, and I’m a kleptomaniac.
WILLOW, DIONYSUS, ARES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
How long have you had this problem?
Since the day I was born.
I’m sure it just feels that way. How long has it really been?
I’ve literally been stealing since the day I was born. When I was six hours old, I snuck away from my mother and stole most of Apollo’s cattle. Cows, goats, you name it, I stole it.
(Willow stares at Hermes in disbelief.)
I was a very smart baby.
I don’t doubt that.
Once I started, I couldn’t stop. It was exhilarating! Even when I got caught, I never got in trouble, so of course I kept doing it.
That’s my boy!
I’ve stolen tons of great things: Poseidon’s trident, Dad’s scepter, Apemosyne’s virginity…
Don’t forget you also stole my favorite sword, you son of a bitch!
To be fair, you were trying to cut my head off with it!
You knew I wanted the last piece of pizza and you ate it anyway!
Yeah, that’s a totally valid reason to decapitate someone!
Okay. Let’s move on.
I’m Ares, and I have problems controlling my anger!
WILLOW, DIONYSUS, HERMES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
Whoa, Ares, why so angry?
I’m the god of war, what do you expect?
It can’t be that simple. Tell me about your childhood.
It was typical, I guess. I was one of thirty-five or forty kids, and even though I was one of the few that Dad actually had with his wife, I really had to work for his attention. He paid more attention to the kids he had with random women-even mortals-than he did to me! Fighting was the only way I could get him to notice me…and I still always felt like he didn’t like me.
I’m sure that’s not true.
No, he’s right. I never liked him. He was quite a bastard, even when he was a baby.
Thanks, Dad. Maybe if you hadn’t been cheating on Mom my entire life, I would’ve been a little nicer to you!
That may be true, but you weren’t nice to anyone. Why do you think you’re the least popular of all the gods?
I’m not! That would be Hephaestus…why else would Mom have thrown him off of Mount Olympus?
She didn’t do that because she didn’t like him. She did it because he was ugly…and because she’s a bitch.
Whatever. These guys like me…right?
(Dionysis, Hermes, and Cronus look at the floor uncomfortably.)
Well, I don’t like you either!
It’s not that we don’t like you…it’s more like we’re afraid of you.
Why, Grandpa? Do you really think I’d hurt you?
I think it’s possible. Frankly, you seem really unstable.
(jumping out of his chair)
What?! I can’t believe you think that! Screw you, old man! I’m gonna kick your ass!
Do it! You’re just going to end up in jail again!
Calm down, Ares! There’s no fighting in group therapy!
Well, if I’d known that, I wouldn’t have worn my armor!
Please…you sleep in your armor!
(Ares throws his chair across the room.)
Ares, I need you to put that chair back where it belongs and have a seat.
Do it or I’m sending you to art therapy.
Ugh! I’d rather go back to jail!
Take a seat, Ares.
Fine…but I won’t be happy about it!
(Ares stomps over to the chair and picks it up. He stomps back over to where he was sitting originally, slams the chair down, and sits, sighing loudly.)
Thank you. Are you done?
I’ll go next!
I’m Cronus, and I have an eating disorder.
WILLOW, DIONYSUS, HERMES, AND ZEUS
(Willow shoots Ares a dirty look.)
What kind of eating disorder do you have?
I’m an overeater.
How long has this been going on?
Since my first child was born.
Let me guess. Your wife wasn’t paying as much attention to you once the baby came, so you used food as a substitute for the comfort you were no longer getting from her.
(Willow crosses to where Cronus is sitting and takes his hand.)
Remember, Cronus: food isn’t love.
I know. I ate my children because a prophecy said one of them would overthrow me…it had nothing to do with feeling neglected.
(hurriedly retreating back to her seat)
You ate your children?! That’s not an eating disorder-that’s cannibalism!
Well, yeah, but I threw them up a few years later, so wouldn’t that technically be bulimia?
I don’t think it counts as bulimia if you only threw up because someone poisoned you.
You were poisoned?
Mom told me to do it!
You poisoned your own father?
I had a good reason!
Should have made sure I ate you…
If you ate all of your other children, why didn’t you eat him?
I thought I did! Turns out his mom wrapped a stone in blankets and told me it was Zeus!
How dumb are you?
It was a baby-sized stone!
By Crystal Smith-Connelly
Online dating profile
Gender: More man than you can handle
Height : Any height you want me to be
Eye color: Beautiful
Profession: Most powerful god in the world/sex machine
If you weren't in your current profession, what would you be?
I am interested in: Women...and sexy farm animals (just kidding)
I am looking to find: A different lady for every night of the week
Body type: Amazing
Medical conditions: I'm too sexy, and my penis is too big. Also, I have all the STDs.
Are you in a serious relationship at the moment?
No (don't listen to Hera...she's a liar.)
Hobbies: Ruling the world, being a total pimp, crossword puzzles
What's your idea of the perfect date?
We meet at your place, I rock your world, I go home and take a nap.
Describe the person that you are interested in meeting on this dating site.
If you could go on a date with any celebrity, who would it be?
All of them. (Orgy at my house...Hera's out of town next week.)
Favorite book: The Kama Sutra
Favorite movie: Anything with graphic nudity
Favorite TV show: Arrested Development-I thought George-Michael wanting to get with his cousin was pretty cool...I've banged all of my cousins (even the uggos).
Reality show you'd most like to be on: The Bachelor
Favorite animal: Trouser snake
Boxers or briefs?
Neither-"the beast" cannot be contained!
Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life?
Will Ferrell...he's not afraid to show some skin.
Turn-ons: Boobs, women I'm not married to, women disguised as animals (Don't knock it 'til you try it.)
Turn-offs: My wife/sister, women who play hard to get, mayonnaise (It's just gross!)
Motto: You cannot resist me...for I am Zeus!
For anyone who wants more info about For I Am Zeus: A Collection of Plays About Greek Mythology, here's a list of the plays that are in the book, and a description of each one:
For I Am Zeus: Zeus tries to pick up a woman at a bar.
Master of Disguise: Zeus is reunited with a few of his past lovers...and they are not happy.
'Til Death Do Us Part: Zeus and Hera give marriage counseling a try.
Last God Standing: Zeus and God are the final two on a reality show (hosted by Jesus) which will determine who is the most awesome god of all time.
Four's a Crowd: Zeus tries to talk his sisters into a four-way.
A Greek God Walks Into a Bar...: Zeus hosts a speed-dating night at his son's bar.
If you'd like a signed copy of For I Am Zeus: A Collection of Plays About Greek Mythology, here's the easiest way to do it: send $12 to firstname.lastname@example.org through Paypal and make sure your correct address is listed. A few days later, you'll receive a signed copy of the book and a magnet in the mail...how easy is that?
The Kindle version of For I Am Zeus will be free this weekend, July 14th and 15th. Check it out if you missed the other free download promotions! : )
The next person to buy For I Am Zeus (which will be the 25th copy sold) gets a character named after them in a future play...it's only $9 right now, so if you buy it, let me know ASAP!
This is my blog...this is where I'll post plays, news, and other stuff!