Godly Acres
Setting: Godly Acres, the world’s premier rehabilitation center for gods and goddesses.
At rise: Six chairs are arranged in a circle. DIONYSUS, god of wine, HERMES, god of wealth, ARES, god of war, CRONUS, former ruler of the universe, and ZEUS, who has nasty red sores all over his face and is current ruler of the universe, are dressed in togas and sandals (except for Ares, who is dressed in battle armor), waiting for group therapy to begin.
ZEUS
I can’t believe Mom is making us do this…it’s really cutting into my getting laid time.
CRONUS
You could’ve stood up to her and said no.
ZEUS
Yeah, but when she gives me the whole “if it weren’t for me, your father would’ve eaten you” guilt trip, it’s hard to say no to her.
(WILLOW, a bubbly twenty-something, enters holding a notebook and a pen.)
WILLOW
(annoyingly upbeat)
Hello, everybody! How are we today?
ZEUS
I’m great…why don’t we get out of here and go somewhere a little more private?
WILLOW
(uncomfortably)
I don’t think that would be a good idea.
ZEUS
Of course it would. Come on…I’ll let you buy me a drink.
WILLOW
You’re being inappropriate.
ZEUS
It’s what I do.
WILLOW
(taking a seat)
Let’s get started, shall we? Why don’t we go around the circle and introduce ourselves? I’m Willow.
(pause)
You’re all supposed to say “Hi, Willow” now.
DIONYSUS, HERMES, ARES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
(unenthusiastically)
Hi, Willow.
WILLOW
Hi! I’m new to Godly Acres, and this will be my first time leading group therapy. I’m twenty-six years old, have two sisters-
ZEUS
Nice!
WILLOW
And I enjoy scrapbooking and knitting sweaters for my cats.
(pointing to Dionysus)
Your turn!
DIONYSUS
I’m Dionysus, and I’m an alcoholic.
WILLOW, HERMES, ARES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
Hi, Dionysus!
WILLOW
When did you first realize you were an alcoholic?
DIONYSUS
Pretty recently. I’ve always enjoyed alcohol-I’m the god of wine, I don’t really have much of a choice-but I was mostly a social drinker. Somewhere along the line, it stopped being about fun, and it got to the point where I had to have it every day. Everyone around me wants to party all the time, so it’s pretty hard for me to avoid alcohol. After a particularly wild party resulted in me getting a tattoo of Pegasus on my lower back, I thought it would be a good idea to try to quit drinking.
WILLOW
Thanks for sharing, Dionysus. I’m glad you decided to join us.
(pointing to Hermes)
Would you like to go next?
HERMES
Sure. I’m Hermes, and I’m a kleptomaniac.
WILLOW, DIONYSUS, ARES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
Hi, Hermes!
WILLOW
How long have you had this problem?
HERMES
Since the day I was born.
WILLOW
I’m sure it just feels that way. How long has it really been?
HERMES
I’ve literally been stealing since the day I was born. When I was six hours old, I snuck away from my mother and stole most of Apollo’s cattle. Cows, goats, you name it, I stole it.
(Willow stares at Hermes in disbelief.)
HERMES (cont’d)
I was a very smart baby.
WILLOW
I don’t doubt that.
HERMES
Once I started, I couldn’t stop. It was exhilarating! Even when I got caught, I never got in trouble, so of course I kept doing it.
ZEUS
That’s my boy!
HERMES
I’ve stolen tons of great things: Poseidon’s trident, Dad’s scepter, Apemosyne’s virginity…
ARES
Don’t forget you also stole my favorite sword, you son of a bitch!
HERMES
To be fair, you were trying to cut my head off with it!
ARES
You knew I wanted the last piece of pizza and you ate it anyway!
HERMES
(sarcastically)
Yeah, that’s a totally valid reason to decapitate someone!
WILLOW
Okay. Let’s move on.
ARES
(yelling)
I’m Ares, and I have problems controlling my anger!
WILLOW, DIONYSUS, HERMES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
Hi, Ares!
ARES
Shut up!
WILLOW
Whoa, Ares, why so angry?
ARES
I’m the god of war, what do you expect?
WILLOW
It can’t be that simple. Tell me about your childhood.
ARES
It was typical, I guess. I was one of thirty-five or forty kids, and even though I was one of the few that Dad actually had with his wife, I really had to work for his attention. He paid more attention to the kids he had with random women-even mortals-than he did to me! Fighting was the only way I could get him to notice me…and I still always felt like he didn’t like me.
WILLOW
I’m sure that’s not true.
ZEUS
No, he’s right. I never liked him. He was quite a bastard, even when he was a baby.
ARES
(dryly)
Thanks, Dad. Maybe if you hadn’t been cheating on Mom my entire life, I would’ve been a little nicer to you!
ZEUS
That may be true, but you weren’t nice to anyone. Why do you think you’re the least popular of all the gods?
ARES
I’m not! That would be Hephaestus…why else would Mom have thrown him off of Mount Olympus?
ZEUS
She didn’t do that because she didn’t like him. She did it because he was ugly…and because she’s a bitch.
ARES
Whatever. These guys like me…right?
(Dionysis, Hermes, and Cronus look at the floor uncomfortably.)
ARES (cont’d)
(yelling)
Well, I don’t like you either!
CRONUS
It’s not that we don’t like you…it’s more like we’re afraid of you.
ARES
Why, Grandpa? Do you really think I’d hurt you?
CRONUS
I think it’s possible. Frankly, you seem really unstable.
ARES
(jumping out of his chair)
What?! I can’t believe you think that! Screw you, old man! I’m gonna kick your ass!
CRONUS
Do it! You’re just going to end up in jail again!
WILLOW
Calm down, Ares! There’s no fighting in group therapy!
ARES
Well, if I’d known that, I wouldn’t have worn my armor!
CRONUS
(scoffing)
Please…you sleep in your armor!
(Ares throws his chair across the room.)
ARES
(growling)
Ares mad!
WILLOW
Ares, I need you to put that chair back where it belongs and have a seat.
ARES
(yelling)
No!
WILLOW
Do it or I’m sending you to art therapy.
ARES
Ugh! I’d rather go back to jail!
WILLOW
Take a seat, Ares.
ARES
(pouting)
Fine…but I won’t be happy about it!
(Ares stomps over to the chair and picks it up. He stomps back over to where he was sitting originally, slams the chair down, and sits, sighing loudly.)
WILLOW
Thank you. Are you done?
ARES
For now.
CRONUS
I’ll go next!
WILLOW
Good!
CRONUS
I’m Cronus, and I have an eating disorder.
WILLOW, DIONYSUS, HERMES, AND ZEUS
Hi, Cronus!
ARES
(mocking them)
Hi, Cronus!
(Willow shoots Ares a dirty look.)
WILLOW
What kind of eating disorder do you have?
CRONUS
I’m an overeater.
WILLOW
How long has this been going on?
CRONUS
Since my first child was born.
WILLOW
Let me guess. Your wife wasn’t paying as much attention to you once the baby came, so you used food as a substitute for the comfort you were no longer getting from her.
CRONUS
Actually…
(Willow crosses to where Cronus is sitting and takes his hand.)
WILLOW
Remember, Cronus: food isn’t love.
CRONUS
I know. I ate my children because a prophecy said one of them would overthrow me…it had nothing to do with feeling neglected.
WILLOW
(hurriedly retreating back to her seat)
You ate your children?! That’s not an eating disorder-that’s cannibalism!
CRONUS
Well, yeah, but I threw them up a few years later, so wouldn’t that technically be bulimia?
ZEUS
I don’t think it counts as bulimia if you only threw up because someone poisoned you.
WILLOW
You were poisoned?
ZEUS
Mom told me to do it!
WILLOW
You poisoned your own father?
ZEUS
I had a good reason!
CRONUS
(muttering)
Should have made sure I ate you…
WILLOW
If you ate all of your other children, why didn’t you eat him?
CRONUS
I thought I did! Turns out his mom wrapped a stone in blankets and told me it was Zeus!
ARES
How dumb are you?
CRONUS
It was a baby-sized stone!
Copyright ©2011
By Crystal Smith-Connelly