Setting: A mansion in Los Angeles.
At rise: ZEUS is standing in front of the fireplace, wearing a tuxedo jacket over his white toga. MICHAEL stands next to him, dressed in a suit. A gold-plated lightning bolt lies on a table between them.
MICHAEL: Zeus, it’s been quite a journey, but like all journeys, this one must come to an end. You started with twenty women, and you got to know them very well.
ZEUS (suggestively): Yeah, I did.
MICHAEL: For the first time in God of Love history, the group date turned into an orgy, as did the family visits.
ZEUS: What can I say? Ladies love The Zeus.
MICHAEL: They certainly do. You’ve given many women your lightning bolt over the past nine weeks, but now it’s time to make your final choice. Will it be Nikki the tequila enthusiast?
(NIKKI, blonde, 25, and extremely pregnant, enters. She is barefoot and wearing a hot pink mini dress.)
NIKKI (yelling): Wooooooooooooooo!
ZEUS: Hey, baby.
MICHAEL: Or will it be Coco the backstabbing bitch?
(COCO, brunette, 30, and also pregnant, enters. She is wearing a long black evening gown and high heels.)
COCO: I didn’t come here to make friends.
MICHAEL: You made that pretty clear when you pushed Candace out the window the first night.
COCO: She should be thanking me—she’s getting a book deal out of that!
ZEUS: I didn’t get a chance to sleep with her though, so it really wasn’t fair to me.
COCO: If it bothers you, why’d you keep me around?
ZEUS: Because you’re hot and crazy…and usually topless.
COCO: I came here to win.
NIKKI: So did I!
COCO: You’re such a loser…always being nice to people and not making them feel bad about themselves. I can’t believe you’re in the final two.
NIKKI: Being nice is a good thing…bitch.
COCO: Whatever. You’re in over your head…this is the most important day of your sad little life, and you couldn’t even remember to put shoes on.
NIKKI: I couldn’t find them.
MICHAEL: Coco, did you steal Nikki’s shoes?
COCO: You’ll never prove it.
MICHAEL: You really are the worst.
NIKKI: He’s right, Coco. I’ve tried to be nice to you, but you’re a bad person, and no one likes you.
COCO: No one likes you either. You’re just usually too drunk to notice.
NIKKI: I’m a professional volunteer tequila taster—getting drunk is my job!
COCO: That’s not a job!
MICHAEL: Settle down, ladies—this is a classy show.
ZEUS: What are you doing? I wanted to see a girlfight.
MICHAEL: I just want to get this over with so I never have to see any of you people again.
ZEUS: I thought we were friends.
MICHAEL: We aren’t.
ZEUS: I told you things I’ve never told anyone.
MICHAEL: And I wish you hadn’t. I didn’t need to know about you and the cow.
ZEUS: It was a woman disguised as a cow.
MICHAEL: That doesn’t really make it better.
ZEUS: I think it does.
MICHAEL: Still gross.
ZEUS: What, you think you’re better than me because you only sleep with your wife?
MICHAEL: No, she doesn’t like to do that anymore.
ZEUS: Oh, I get it. You’re jealous because I know how to make the ladies moo all night long. I can teach you--
MICHAEL: Let’s move on. Nikki, tell Zeus why he should choose you.
NIKKI: Zeus, I’m a good person, a great cook, and always ready to have fun. My feelings for you are real, and I’m not a sociopath like Coco, who will most definitely leave a dead animal in your bed if you make her mad.
MICHAEL: He’ll probably have sex with it.
ZEUS: Not if it’s dead. I have standards, you know.
NIKKI: I came here to find love, but Coco is here for the wrong reasons. She just wants to be famous.
MICHAEL: Is that true, Coco?
COCO (insincerely): No, I totally love Zeus.
NIKKI: You’re using him. I have a real connection with him.
ZEUS: I’ve connected with both of you many times…and also with your moms and your sisters.
MICHAEL: You have a problem.
ZEUS: It’s not my fault that I have a lot of love to give.
NIKKI: You’re so generous.
ZEUS: It’s my duty to satisfy all the sexy ladies and put my godly babies in them.
MICHAEL: You’ve only known these women for two months, so why do they look like they’re about to give birth already?
ZEUS: Super sperm, my friend.
MICHAEL: Not your friend. We’ve been over this.
NIKKI: I’m honored to be carrying your child, Zeus.
COCO: Me too. I’m going to sell the baby pictures for so much money! Maybe the baby too.
NIKKI: Zeus, you can’t choose someone who would sell your baby.
ZEUS: As long as I don’t have to raise it, I don’t care what she does with it.
NIKKI: I’m starting to think you might not be here for the right reasons either.
ZEUS: I’m definitely here for the right reason: to bang as many women as possible.
NIKKI: That’s the wrong reason! The whole point of this show is to find love.
ZEUS: I’m not really into that. I’m a sex god, not a love god.
NIKKI: Then why are you on a show called God of Love?
ZEUS: Why would I pass up a chance to have twenty women throwing themselves at me? I put in no effort, and they all slept with me anyway…except Candace, but I’m coming for her if she ever wakes up from that coma.
MICHAEL: Hasn’t she suffered enough?
ZEUS: You’re mean. You are so not invited to my Thanksgiving orgy.
MICHAEL: Do you really think that’s an appropriate way to celebrate Thanksgiving?
ZEUS: Yeah, orgies are what I’m most thankful for.
MICHAEL: Of course they are.
ZEUS: You ladies can both come. Bring your non-ugly friends and a side dish.
COCO: I don’t cook. When you look like this, you don’t have to know how to do things.
NIKKI: Looks fade, Coco. You should probably learn some skills instead of being an empty shell of a person.
COCO: You can’t talk to me like that--I’m the bitch!
NIKKI: The fact that you’re the only one who brings out my inner bitchiness should tell you what a terrible person you are.
ZEUS: Are you gonna let her talk to you like that? Get her, Number Two!
COCO: You wish you could be me, Nikki. I’m a ten—you’re only a four!
NIKKI: You have to subtract at least three points for your personality, so you’re a seven at best.
COCO: That’s the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me!
NIKKI: Really? I called you a sociopath earlier.
COCO: Yeah, but that wasn’t about my looks. You are way out of line, Nikki!
ZEUS (chanting): Fight! Fight! Fight!
NIKKI: No!
COCO: If you think I’m doing anything to mess up my hair, you’re out of your mind.
ZEUS (pouting): You two are no fun.
MICHAEL: Let’s get back on track. Coco, tell Zeus why he should choose you.
COCO: I’m hot, I love to be naked, and I’ll do pretty much anything in the bedroom.
NIKKI: That’s not enough to sustain a relationship.
ZEUS: That’s not true, Number One. You know what they say: “The way to a god’s heart is through his penis.”
NIKKI: The expression is “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
ZEUS: That’s a ridiculous expression.
NIKKI: I didn’t come up with it.
COCO: Of course you didn’t because you’re not good at anything.
NIKKI: I’m good at plenty of things. All you do is coast on your looks.
COCO: You would totally coast on your looks if you weren’t such a troll.
MICHAEL: Harsh, Coco.
ZEUS: Kick her ass, Number One!
NIKKI: No, I’m the nice one, remember?
ZEUS: I sleep with a lot of women, Number One. I can’t be expected to remember their personality traits…or names.
MICHAEL: You really know how to make a girl feel special.
ZEUS: Yep, I’m pretty great at rockin’ their worlds.
MICHAEL: Not great at detecting sarcasm though.
ZEUS: Shut it, Michael.
MICHAEL (picking up the lightning bolt): It’s time to make a choice, Zeus.
ZEUS: This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. Number One, you’re blonde, have a nice ass, and I like your face. Number Two, you’re hot, have a great rack, and you let me do some pretty filthy things to you.
COCO: That’s why I’m going to win this thing.
NIKKI: You wish.
ZEUS: I can honestly say I see my wife in this room.
(HERA storms in.)
ZEUS (cont’d): She just walked in, and she looks pissed.
HERA (yelling): Zeus!
NIKKI: You’re still married? I’m out.
(Nikki exits.)
COCO: I win! Suck it, everyone!
ZEUS: You might want to get out of here before Hera tries to kill you.
COCO: No way! (snatching the lightning bolt out of Michael’s hands) I earned this…I’m going to be so famous!
HERA: It won’t matter if you’re dead. Beat it, skank.
COCO: No. I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment.
HERA: Get out now, or I’ll make sure you die in the most horrible way you can imagine.
COCO (gasping): In obscurity?
HERA: Yes.
COCO: You’re evil!
HERA: Go.
(Coco runs from the room.)
ZEUS: Do you really need to devote your entire life to cockblocking me?
MICHAEL: To be fair, you slept with two dozen women before she got here.
ZEUS: I don’t think we should be friends anymore.
MICHAEL: We never were.
HERA: Zeus, I’m your wife and the goddess of marriage—cockblocking you is my job.
ZEUS: You need to find a new job.
HERA: But this one keeps me so busy.
MICHAEL: You weren’t really going to kill Coco, were you?
HERA: Of course. I still might.
MICHAEL: Well, this was definitely the most dramatic finale in God of Love history.
ZEUS AND HERA: Shut up, Michael.
(The lights fade to black.)
Copyright ©2017
By Crystal Smith-Connelly