My first book, For I Am Zeus: A Collection of Plays About Greek Mythology, is on sale for the next week...use the code GY62U to get it for 99¢!

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/317582

I'm doing a Kindle Countdown Deal for Goat Herpes and Other Problems, so it will be on sale for 99 cents on June 29th and 30th, then $1.99 on July 1st and 2nd.  Here's the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Herpes-Other-Problems-Crystal-Smith-Connelly-ebook/dp/B00KNDYRXA/

And here's the description:

It's Willow's first day on the job at Godly Acres, the world's premier rehabilitation facility for gods and goddesses, and she might be in over her head. Sex addiction, alcoholism, eating disorders, goat herpes...you name it, there's a Greek god who has it. Will she be able to help these gods and goddesses work through their issues? Find out in Goat Herpes and Other Problems! (Goat Herpes and Other Problems contains the plays "Godly Acres," "Godly Acres: Bitch Session," and "Playing Doctor.")

If you get it, I hope you like it...it's the best book you'll ever read that has "goat herpes" in the title. ; )

Name: Zeus

Occupation: Sex god

Favorite color: Doesn’t matter…I’ll rock your world no matter what color you are.

Favorite book: The Kama Sutra

Favorite movie: I don't remember the title, but there was a lot of full-frontal nudity...and a goat.

Favorite TV show: Masters of Sex…it’s based on my life.

Favorite band: Barenaked Ladies

Favorite song: “Let’s Get It On”

Favorite animal: Trouser snake

If you weren’t in your current profession, what would you be? Porn star

Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life?  George Clooney…the resemblance is uncanny.

What would the title of that movie be? The Panty Remover

Hobbies: Avoiding Hera, disguising myself, orgies

Motto: “You cannot resist me…for I am Zeus!”

Acting Out INK Fest tickets are now on sale! If you want to see my play, your options are to buy an all-day pass for Friday or Saturday (April 25th or 26th) or to get tickets at the door for the block of plays that starts at 3:30 on Friday or 4:30 on Saturday. There are also weekend passes if you want to see a bunch of plays. Come watch me unleash Zeus on L.A.! ; ) 

https://www.plays411.net/newsite/show/play_info.asp?show_id=3786

Here's an excerpt from Goat Herpes and Other Problems, my next book...it should be out early next year. : )


Godly Acres

Setting:  Godly Acres, the world’s premier rehabilitation center for gods and goddesses.

At rise:  Six chairs are arranged in a circle.  DIONYSUS, god of wine, HERMES,  god of wealth, ARES, god of war, CRONUS, former ruler of the universe,  and ZEUS, who has nasty red sores all over his face and is current ruler of the universe, are dressed in togas and sandals (except for Ares, who is dressed in battle armor), waiting for group therapy to begin.

ZEUS
I can’t believe Mom is making us do this…it’s really cutting into my getting laid time.

CRONUS
You could’ve stood up to her and said no.

ZEUS
Yeah, but when she gives me the whole “if it weren’t for me, your father  would’ve eaten you” guilt trip, it’s hard to say no to her.

(WILLOW, a bubbly twenty-something, enters holding a notebook and a pen.)

WILLOW
                        (annoyingly upbeat)
            Hello, everybody!  How are we today?

ZEUS
            I’m great…why don’t we get out of here and go somewhere a little more private?

WILLOW
                        (uncomfortably)
            I don’t think that would be a good idea.

ZEUS
            Of course it would.  Come on…I’ll let you buy me a drink.

WILLOW
            You’re being inappropriate.

ZEUS
            It’s what I do.

WILLOW
                        (taking a seat)
Let’s get started, shall we?  Why don’t we go around the circle and introduce ourselves?  I’m Willow.
            (pause)
You’re all supposed to say “Hi, Willow”  now.

DIONYSUS, HERMES, ARES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
                        (unenthusiastically)
            Hi, Willow.

WILLOW
Hi!  I’m new to Godly Acres, and this will be my first time leading group therapy.  I’m twenty-six years old, have two sisters-

ZEUS
            Nice!

WILLOW
            And I enjoy scrapbooking and knitting sweaters for my cats.
                        (pointing to Dionysus)
            Your turn!

DIONYSUS
            I’m Dionysus, and I’m an alcoholic.

WILLOW, HERMES, ARES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
            Hi, Dionysus!

WILLOW
            When did you first realize you were an alcoholic?

DIONYSUS
Pretty recently.  I’ve always enjoyed alcohol-I’m the god of wine, I don’t  really have much of a choice-but I was mostly a social drinker.   Somewhere along the line, it stopped being about fun, and it got to the point where I had to have it every day.  Everyone around me wants to  party all the time, so it’s pretty hard for me to avoid alcohol.  After a particularly wild party resulted in me getting a tattoo of Pegasus on  my lower back, I thought it would be a good idea to try to quit  drinking.

WILLOW
            Thanks for sharing, Dionysus.  I’m glad you decided to join us.
                        (pointing to Hermes)
            Would you like to go next?

HERMES
            Sure.  I’m Hermes, and I’m a kleptomaniac.

WILLOW, DIONYSUS, ARES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
            Hi, Hermes!

WILLOW
            How long have you had this problem?

HERMES
            Since the day I was born.

WILLOW
            I’m sure it just feels that way.  How long has it really been?

HERMES
I’ve literally been stealing since the day I was born.  When I was six hours old, I snuck away from my mother and stole most of Apollo’s cattle.   Cows, goats, you name it, I stole it.

(Willow stares at Hermes in disbelief.)

HERMES (cont’d)
            I was a very smart baby.

WILLOW
            I don’t doubt that.

HERMES
Once I started, I couldn’t stop.  It was exhilarating!  Even when I got  caught, I never got in trouble, so of course I kept doing it.

ZEUS
            That’s my boy!

HERMES
I’ve stolen tons of great things: Poseidon’s trident, Dad’s scepter, Apemosyne’s virginity…

 ARES
            Don’t forget you also stole my favorite sword, you son of a bitch!

HERMES
            To be fair, you were trying to cut my head off with it!

ARES
            You knew I wanted the last piece of pizza and you ate it anyway!

HERMES
                        (sarcastically)
            Yeah, that’s a totally valid reason to decapitate someone!

WILLOW
            Okay.  Let’s move on.

ARES
                        (yelling)
            I’m Ares, and I have problems controlling my anger!

WILLOW, DIONYSUS, HERMES, CRONUS, AND ZEUS
            Hi, Ares!

ARES
            Shut up!

WILLOW
            Whoa, Ares, why so angry?

ARES
            I’m the god of war, what do you expect?

WILLOW
            It can’t be that simple.  Tell me about your childhood.

ARES
It was typical, I guess.  I was one of thirty-five or forty kids, and even though I was one of the few that Dad actually had with his wife, I  really had to work for his attention.  He paid more attention to the  kids he had with random women-even mortals-than he did to me!  Fighting was the only way I could get him to notice me…and I still always felt like he didn’t like me.

WILLOW
            I’m sure that’s not true.

ZEUS
No, he’s right.  I never liked him.  He was quite a bastard, even when he was a baby.

ARES
                        (dryly)
Thanks, Dad.  Maybe if you hadn’t been cheating on Mom my entire life, I would’ve been a little nicer to you!

ZEUS
That may be true, but you weren’t nice to anyone.  Why do you think you’re the least popular of all the gods?

ARES
I’m not!  That would be Hephaestus…why else would Mom have thrown him off of Mount Olympus?

ZEUS
She didn’t do that because she didn’t like him.  She did it because he was ugly…and because she’s a bitch.

ARES
Whatever.  These guys like me…right?

(Dionysis, Hermes, and Cronus look at the floor uncomfortably.)

ARES (cont’d)
                        (yelling)
            Well, I don’t like you either!

CRONUS
            It’s not that we don’t like you…it’s more like we’re afraid of you.

ARES
            Why, Grandpa?  Do you really think I’d hurt you?

CRONUS
            I think it’s possible.  Frankly, you seem really unstable.

ARES
                        (jumping out of his chair)
What?!  I can’t believe you think that!  Screw you, old man!  I’m gonna kick your ass!

CRONUS
            Do it!  You’re just going to end up in jail again!

WILLOW
            Calm down, Ares!  There’s no fighting in group therapy!

ARES
            Well, if I’d known that, I wouldn’t have worn my armor!

CRONUS
                        (scoffing)
            Please…you sleep in your armor!

(Ares throws his chair across the room.)

ARES
                        (growling)
            Ares mad!

WILLOW
            Ares, I need you to put that chair back where it belongs and have a seat.

ARES
                        (yelling)
            No!

WILLOW
            Do it or I’m sending you to art therapy.

ARES
            Ugh!  I’d rather go back to jail!

WILLOW
Take a seat, Ares.

ARES
                        (pouting)
Fine…but I won’t be happy about it!

(Ares stomps over to the chair and picks it up.  He stomps back over to where he was sitting originally, slams the chair down, and sits, sighing  loudly.)

WILLOW
            Thank you.  Are you done?

ARES
            For now.

CRONUS
            I’ll go next!

WILLOW
            Good!

CRONUS
            I’m Cronus, and I have an eating disorder.

WILLOW, DIONYSUS, HERMES, AND ZEUS
            Hi, Cronus!

ARES
                        (mocking them)
            Hi, Cronus!

(Willow shoots Ares a dirty look.)

WILLOW
            What kind of eating disorder do you have?

CRONUS
            I’m an overeater.

WILLOW
            How long has this been going on?

CRONUS
            Since my first child was born.

WILLOW
Let me guess.  Your wife wasn’t paying as much attention to you once the  baby came, so you used food as a substitute for the comfort you were no  longer getting from her.

 CRONUS
            Actually…

(Willow crosses to where Cronus is sitting and takes his hand.)

WILLOW
            Remember, Cronus: food isn’t love.

CRONUS
I know.  I ate my children because a prophecy said one of them would overthrow me…it had nothing to do with feeling neglected.

WILLOW
                        (hurriedly retreating back to her seat)
            You ate your children?!  That’s not an eating disorder-that’s cannibalism!

CRONUS
Well, yeah, but I threw them up a few years later, so wouldn’t that technically be bulimia?

ZEUS
I don’t think it counts as bulimia if you only threw up because someone poisoned you.

WILLOW
            You were poisoned?

ZEUS
            Mom told me to do it!

WILLOW
            You poisoned your own father?

ZEUS
            I had a good reason!

CRONUS
                        (muttering)
            Should have made sure I ate you…

WILLOW
            If you ate all of your other children, why didn’t you eat him?

CRONUS
I thought I did!  Turns out his mom wrapped a stone in blankets and told me it was Zeus!

ARES
            How dumb are you?

CRONUS
            It was a baby-sized stone!

Copyright ©2011
By Crystal Smith-Connelly

Online dating profile

Name: Zeus        

Age: Immortal

Gender: More man than you can handle

Height : Any height you want me to be

Eye color: Beautiful

Profession: Most powerful god in the world/sex machine

If you weren't in your current profession, what would you be? 
Porn star

I am interested in: Women...and sexy farm animals (just kidding)

I am looking to find: A different lady for every night of the week

Body type: Amazing

Medical conditions:  I'm too sexy, and my penis is too big.  Also, I have all the STDs.

Are you in a serious relationship at the moment?  
No (don't listen to Hera...she's a liar.)

Hobbies:  Ruling the world, being a total pimp, crossword puzzles

What's your idea of the perfect date?
We meet at your place, I rock your world, I go home and take a nap.    

Describe the person that you are interested in meeting on this dating site.
Female

If you could go on a date with any celebrity, who would it be?
All of them. (Orgy at my house...Hera's out of town next week.)

Favorite book: The Kama Sutra

Favorite movie: Anything with graphic nudity

Favorite TV show: Arrested Development-I thought George-Michael wanting to get with his cousin was pretty cool...I've banged all of my cousins (even the uggos).

Reality show you'd most like to be on:  The Bachelor

Favorite animal:  Trouser snake

Boxers or briefs?
 Neither-"the beast" cannot be contained!

Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life?
Will Ferrell...he's not afraid to show some skin.

Turn-ons: Boobs, women I'm not married to, women disguised as animals (Don't knock it 'til you try it.)

Turn-offs: My wife/sister, women who play hard to get, mayonnaise (It's just gross!)

Motto: You cannot resist me...for I am Zeus!

For anyone who wants more info about For I Am Zeus: A Collection of Plays About Greek Mythology, here's a list of the plays that are in the book, and a description of each one:

For I Am Zeus: Zeus tries to pick up a woman at a bar.

Master of Disguise: Zeus is reunited with a few of his past lovers...and they are not happy.

'Til Death Do Us Part: Zeus and Hera give marriage counseling a try.

Last God Standing: Zeus and God are the final two on a reality show (hosted by Jesus) which will determine who is the most awesome god of all time.

Four's a Crowd: Zeus tries to talk his sisters into a four-way.

A Greek God Walks Into a Bar...: Zeus hosts a speed-dating night at his son's bar. 

If you'd like a signed copy of For I Am Zeus: A Collection of Plays About Greek Mythology, here's the easiest way to do it: send $12 to rockstar1231@yahoo.com through Paypal and make sure your correct address is listed.  A few days later, you'll receive a signed copy of the book and a magnet in the mail...how easy is that?

https://www.paypal.com/

The Kindle version of For I Am Zeus will be free this weekend, July 14th and 15th.  Check it out if you missed the other free download promotions! : )

http://www.amazon.com/For-Zeus-Collection-Mythology-ebook/dp/B0085H0MH6

The next person to buy For I Am Zeus (which will be the 25th copy sold) gets a character named after them in a future play...it's only $9 right now, so if you buy it, let me know ASAP!

http://www.amazon.com/For-Am-Zeus-Collection-Mythology/dp/1475104626